Emotional Smoothie

Emotional Freakout Smoothie Recipe:

2 parts lesbian

2 AF's (optional: extra PMS for an extra kick!)

1 trip to fertility clinic at the crack of dawn

1 type A personality

1 type B personality

mix together and place in tiny waiting room

Let emotions simmer during car ride..Bring to a boil at home. Separate lesbos and let cool. Once completely cooled down (this is the MOST important step) mix together and sprinkle some "i'm sorry-no no i'm sorry". For extra smoothness add in some tears and kisses.  Total preparation time:1 hour

*We're fine, I just had a freakout about meds, appointments, timing details (blah blah blah) and blew up on my poor wife. We started stims today and go back on Tues. I promised to behave ahead of time. ;)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

A few pictures from our rally yesterday. Have a meeting with a family lawyer tomorrow (who we met at the rally) to draw up co-parenting agreements name changes and power of attorneys. When friends ask me what I am so upset about or what I am fighting for I tell them this: It's like working in a kitchen side by side with everyone all day. We all do our part to put this beautiful feast together. When the feast is ready-everyone's invited to enjoy it except us.  Like Cynthia Nixon said "We don't want to change the way you eat, we just want to be invited to the table."  I left feeling  very hopeful and empowered. 

P.s. If you've don't get my title google the original movie with Sydney Portier-still a poignant movie in so many ways.  

Buzzing With Excitement

We hit a little speed bump a couple of weeks ago. Since we are doing reciprocal IVF, insurance can be a little tricky. We were ordering our stim meds and found out since I was the recipient of the eggs my insurance was supposed to cover Rosebud's meds. However, since we are not on the same policy, my insurance wouldn't pay for her as a donor. Meds were upwards of $5000 without insurance-say whattttttt????? We had an agonizing week of waiting to hear back from the insurance, fertility office and pharmacy to get our approval to use Rosebud's own insurance (we have the exact same policy that covers infertility). Without this help we would not be able to continue on and this whole process would have come to a screeching halt. We heard back today and we were approved! Only downside is that we have a lifetime max of $5000 for drugs and guess what? Her drugs cost exactly that. So that means this cycle needs to give us some good eggs for freezing in the event this cycle doesn't work. We will have to sell a kidney to do another cycle with her eggs. Luckily, I still have some insurance left to put towards drugs if we use my eggs for the next kiddo.

Since we really need some quality eggs, I have been reading a lot about what can increase the quality. This is all speculation of course sprinkled with some old wive's tales, but hey, who am I to judge? So we hit up the grocery store and stocked up on these:

• royal jelly with bee pollen (paste)-said to improve egg quality, it's what the queen bee feeds on and she lives 6 years longer than her drones and lays 2000 eggs.a.day.folks. I read that we need to take it for 3 months but figured we would give it a shot anyway and see what all the buzzzzz is about. See what I did there? ;)
• pineapple core-I've heard conflicting things about this and what it does but I've heard that it contains bromelain which supports an extra sticky uterus. For IVF'ers, you should eat the core for five days starting on transfer day. 
• Kale-full of natural folate- we put it in everything! We drink it in smoothies every morning. I'm making a "fertility soup" chocked full of it along with  white beans, garlic and chicken.
• Brazil nuts- 1 nut contains a days worth of selenium, a mineral linked to successful implantation when taken in moderation. 
• avocados-rich in antioxidants and good fats
• chicken and salmon-filled with good fatty acids and protein

So there you have it. Our fertility diet for the next few weeks. We've already cut our caffeine and the lady at Mcd's helped me sober up (see my last post). Just waiting on AF so I can start the patches and Rosebud starts stims on Saturday hopefully. We are going to a  marriage equality rally at our state house tomorrow and are so excited for all the potential changes for our LGBTQ community and what it means for our families! It's going to be an exciting next few weeks and we are so ready! Sending fertile thoughts and queen bee vibes to everyone! 

Distraction

This blog is supposed to be my outlet for all things baby making and beyond. My wife reads it when I am not around but refuses to guest blog on here,  so I am left to expose her myself! She recently read one of my posts that mentioned enjoying our last moments of coupledom (bad choice of words I guess?) Well, she was clearly not herself all day and after some coaxing, she blurted: I don't want to lose our coupledom! I love us! I don't want to lose you. Uh oh...I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that our 2 will become three and I wanted to squeeze in more time. I don't want to lose "us" either, but I know things will never be the same once a little one enters the picture. We needed some distraction from this stress. So we have been spending lots of time together and going out with friends.

Last week we got dressed up and went to dinner with friends. On our way we saw a horrific accident. Three cars sliding and literally flipping over each other just a few feet in front of us. Once we got our bearings, we jumped out and helped the people involved until EMS arrived. It was so surreal to see such carnage unfold in front of us. Luckily, everyone was ok and walked away with minor injuries. Then on with our evening which consisted of running into everyone we've ever known over the last 5 years! It was so nice to see our friends and we partied til almost 6 am! I didn't even know what time it was until the nice lady at Mcd's informed me I could not have fries because they were serving breakfast! (yes, I was that girl)Well the next morning I felt like dog poo, and layed in bed all day to recover. And while my liver and brain tried to regenerate some cells I realized something: I don't miss these days one bit! It was awesome to see my old buds and drink like a college girl gone wild, but I was most content because my wife was there and she was laughing and smiling and looked beautiful and that's what fulfills me. I am ready to have a family with her.

I also used to bartend for 10 years. Since I became a nurse I work the night shift so I usually miss all the good stuff. This was my first St Pats off in 6 years. It's a really big crowded deal here(1000's of people)but  I didn't go! I wanted to, but my wife had to work so we spent the day together and she helped me cross off the last thing left on my pre-mommy bucket list: get one more tattoo!  We went to a tattoo convention and I got this:

So we've had some much needed distractions. And as we get closer, I find myself more in love with my wife and ready to take this next step in our lives. Here's some luck for all of you, no matter what stage of the TTC game your in ;)

Dilemmas&Dreams

We are in a bit of a dilemma. We are torn as to how many eggs to put in after retrieval. R will prob have a fair amount of eggs based on her first scan ( 32 follies without drugs). I want to try two eggs but R is TERRIFIED of having twins. I have waves of fear, the thought of having twins around doesn't bother me, the thought of carrying them to term without complications is what worries me. The other problem is that R only wants two kids. I want two kids but the thought of three doesn't bother me either.  Soooo if we had twins the first time that means that we wouldn't be using my eggs at all. Is your head spinning yet? Our clinic has a 35% rate of twins-that seems a little high. The only couple we know that used the clinic is pregnant with twins. Every time we go to the clinic we walk down the hall lined with pics of multiples and R gets crazy eyes.  Also it feels awful putting two back in hopes only one would make it. It sounds so shitty when you put it that way. I just can't see going through all of this, putting one egg in, and not getting pregnant at all. So what do we do?? How many of ya'll put two in and had/having a singleton? Any thoughts?

On a different note, I had an awesome dream that we did have a baby, a girl. I was holding her and she was nuzzled in my neck and I could smell her. That unforgettable baby smell. I could feel her soft head and her warm wiggly body against mine. It was so amazingly real. I hope it's a premonition rather than just a dream.

Veruca has left the building!

I had my HSG and I'll spare you the details,  because most of you have been through it and who wants to relive that???? Everything checked out and the pre-screening process is complete. I spent some time with some friends that are having twins in April last night and had some much needed laughs. It was nice to hear that my antsy feelings were normal even if my wife doesn't think so! I am out of my funk and have made lots of lunch dates/plans to keep myself busy over the next few weeks. I started this blog to find support and while I have found lots, (I especially love these ladies  and these awesome Canadians) I realized that trying to "keep up with the Joneses" so to speak can be dangerous. These blogs are comforting in that each one of us can share some parts of the universal feelings that come with TTC, but it is in no way all inclusive and I am slowly learning through the varying posts that no one's walk is ever the same. And as my blog community grows, I am humbled by the comforting words of total strangers.  I feel foolish that I have been feeling jealous of others, especially when most have been trying for way longer and deserve those awesome BFPs. So my Veruca Salt moment has come and gone. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to over indulge in these lovely blogs but I will no longer compare my road with anyone else's because the individuality is what makes this journey so special. The fact that it will be ours and not anyone else's is what I want to embrace from now on. So keep on  keeping on my TTC comrades, and I promise to be right there cheering you on from the stands until I can be on field too.  :)