Monday, April 8, 2013

Heads on Pillows...

Well, a lot has happened this past week and I don't know how to put it all down in words. So I figured I would give you a day by day. Sorry folks, it's going to be a long one! Go to the potty, grab a snack, and strap yourself in for the ride that is my life currently.

Wednesday- Worked all night, get home and lay my head down.  Head on pillow..eyes closed...finally rings. It's R's mom-her grandma (lovingly called nanny) just passed away. Shit. R is super close to her and loved her so much. This is the first death we have experienced together. I don't know what she needs right now but I am determined to make sure she makes it through this. I met her several times and when she realized what was going on between us, all she said was "take good care of my girl". I promised I would.  I had an acupuncture appointment (my first). It was not bad but I couldn't calm down with everything going on.  I felt bad going but R felt I should and then we headed out of town to see her family and everyone was an emotional wreck.  We tried to comfort but it's useless right now. We head back home around midnight. Heads on pillows...eyes closed...wife wakes up at 4 am crying. It's going to be a very long week.

Thursday- Logging about 6 hours of sleep in 2 days between the two of us at this point.We have to drive back home everyday because we have appointments at the clinic every morning now. From the clinic we hop on the highway and drive to the sperm clinic in another state. We had decided early on that we would save ourselves the 300$ shipping and drive the hour each way to another state and get it.We get there and the "clinic" is not at all what we expected-we should have sprung for the shipping :(  Oh well, then we sign the release form and it says we have to bring it back the next day which won't work since we need to be back for the funeral. So we have to drop it off at the clinic and turn right back around and take the tank back. Four hours in the car and the sperm is finally in the house! Heads on pillows..eyes closed...wife wakes up at 4 am crying.

Friday- Today is the wake/viewing. I knew this would be hard because it would make nanny's death real. Seeing her in a casket made it final and that was tough for everyone. It was gut-wrenching to see her husband of 64 years say goodbye to the love of his life. I can only hope that me and my wife can last that long. We had to pack our stim drugs in a cooler with ice. We would dip out to our car every day at 5:30 to shoot up like shady junkies-intervention style ya'll.  Her dad rode with me and asks what's in the cooler and an awkward conversation about the IVF process ensues. We had an appointment at 8 am at the clinic so we drive back home around midnight and pass out. Heads on pillows..eyes closed..wife wakes up at 4 am crying.

Saturday-Appointment at 8 am again. Everything looks fine-follies are huge! We make our way back out of town. The funeral was rough because not all of her family knows who I am. All week long I was R's 'friend" and it was awkward. The family that knew were incredible and made me feel so loved. And I had to constantly remind myself that this was not the time and it was not about me. It was just hard sitting 5 rows back from my wife and seeing her in distress and not being able to comfort her and hold her hand made it that much more frustrating. The funeral was finally over I think the numbness was wearing off. It was such a relief to drive home and know we were going to get real sleep. Heads on pillows...eyes closed...

Sunday-Appointment goes well. Some follies are pulling ahead and one is at 27 mm already! They are talking about early retrieval. Back to work for both of us. My wife's ovaries are huge and it hurts for her to laugh. I talk to our babies and tell them to  take it easy on her.

Monday-Appointment goes well and retrieval is set for Wednesday! Trigger shot at 9 pm tonight. Hopefully three day transfer on Saturday. We met with our lawyers and our co-maternity agreement is done! This is a huge step for us on the path to second-parent adoption. We also got healthcare power of attorneys for us and potential babies and my wife filed for her name change. She also had to get finger printed to prove she just wants to show her union to me and is not actually a tax-evading child molester.

These last few days were so hectic but we made it through and I know we can make it through anything. My wife is slowly coming back around and smiling again. I hope her nanny is watching over us and we have some good news in a few weeks. I hope I get to keep that promise I made and I really hope everyone can lay their heads on pillows tonight and close their eyes.


  1. I am very sorry for your loss. I hope all goes well with this cycle. You have a wonderful angel looking out for you both now.

  2. I am sorry you had such a bad week! And so sorry for your loss.

    But they say with every death comes a new life, and I truly believe C and I got pregnant on the first try because we had C's mother looking down on us. Hang in there! Such an exciting few weeks ahead for you both!!! Can't wait to get the details about tomorrow!

    1. Thanks! Retrieval is at 9 am-fingers crossed we have lots of good eggies!

  3. I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. What a crazy emotional time. Will be thinking of you guys tomorrow. Lots of hope for good news. I'm right behind you on Thursday. Will be checking in for updates often!

  4. I am so sorry to hear that R lost her grandmother. It sounds like she was a pretty amazing person to both of you. What a week you all have had, my gosh! As I read this post I couldn't help but think to myself that this is what wanting to be a mother is all about. Doing whatever it takes, going the distance, being SO TIRED and still pushing forward. This week and all that you and R went through is a sure sign of the amazing mamas you will soon be!

  5. So so so sorry about your loss!! I am sorry you have had such an emotional and rough week! I hope things get better for you both. Hugs and Baby dust floating your way from here in the midwest.