Life as we know it

 

Our latest purchase! R bought this for 85$ on Craiglist from an uber rich lady who used it twice and decided she didn't like jogging. Sweet! Things have been pretty surreal since we found out we were having twins. Kinda foggy really. Still trying to get a grip on this. R traded her 94 convertible mustang Sally for a sporty mom-mobile:
                                         

And just when we thought things were going according to plan, R's position at the hospital was cut. She works something called Baylor which means she works every weekend of the year in exchange for getting paid for a full time job. So she works 24 hours on Sat and Sun and gets paid as if she worked all week. It sucked at first giving up the weekends with her but we made it work and any shift past those days she picked up was overtime. Well, the hospital gave everyone raises and then cut every baylor position. This means that we will be losing about 10 g's in salary and R's job is kinda in limbo right now.  It is super stressful because we had a budget based on that previous income that will soon be gone. It looks like it will be ramen noodles for a while. I don't know how we will do it but I know we will. R has always made me feel secure and even though I am scared to death about the future I can't help but believe we're gonna be ok. I'm feeling very "que sera sera" lately.

And just when I didn't think I could pile anymore shit on the already thin paper plate that we call life, I got my acceptance letter for my RN-BSN program that starts this fall.  Part of me thinks I should wait, but they only accept new applicants in the fall and wouldn't be able to apply again until 2014. It's all online so it's definitely doable, but I know I am going to be dog- tired once the kiddos arrive. R is super supportive and thinks I should do it. I have until July 1st to decide. I might just start and if it gets to be too much, I can switch to part time next year. I worked two jobs to put myself through nursing school the first time and there were some nights where I would come home-take a 2 hour nap and go to clinical or class and then right back to work. I know I am capable of it again. I just want to be a good mom and be here and present for my family. It's hard for me not to shake my fists at the gods, especially considering the blessings that we have been given, but I can't help but feel as though they are indeed laughing at us right now.

The Motherload

I was leery to write a post about Mother's Day on a blog that is shared with people that share the unrelenting desire to have children. I viewed yesterday so differently. Usually, it is a happy holiday because a) I still have my mom and b) I wanted to be a mom but had  not ventured into that journey yet.  This year is different because of you my bloglandians. I have met so many of ya'll that have had the most amazing journeys to motherhood. And motherhood seemed to be so cut and dry until we started this path. I see now that mothers can come in so many different forms and we should embrace and celebrate that. This is the first Mother's Day that R's mom is without hers and R is without her nanny. And wow, a cliche never rang truer than "you don't know what you've got til it's gone".   I also thought about all the moms in waiting. I know today can be so tough and I appreciate you the most. No matter where your baby is,  heart, body, mind, or soul, you are still a mom.

I got my wife a Mother's Day gift. A rosebush to plant in our yard together to watch grow as we watch our babies grow.

And with Mother's Day comes the commercials. Can't a hormone laden gal get an effing break please????   Warning: these are not for the faint of heart.  Grab a box of tissues and try to make it through these without ugly crying. Good luck and may the force be with you..

1 tissue

2 tissues

3 tissues

Deuces Wild!

Our first ultrasound was today!!! 6 weeks and 1 day.  The little bean looked great. HR 112 and the due date is Jan 1st.

Annnnd.....the OTHER bean....haha! That's right! There's another one! Deuces!!! Well the other one is perfect and the heartbeat was 114. We were in shock.

Here's a family pic:

I was concerned that the one on the left was small but the doc assured me it was because it implanted lower and is on a different viewing plane but they are indeed the exact same size.  Two little heartbeats. I cried and cried and felt a huge weight lifted for about two seconds only to be replaced by    "holy sh!t...twins!" I don't know why we were so shocked and it sounds silly considering that we put two eggs in, so of course there was a real possibility that we could have twins. I just didn't feel pregnant. How can I be making two humans right now and feel fine??? And cuckoo confession #1 I literally took a test everyday until this morning because I didn't believe it. But today was different. Before the appointment, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I looked prego-I can't explain it, I don't mean a huge bump or anything. Maybe it was bloating or progesterone induced hallucinations...but I saw it for a split second. And then came the small wave of nausea that has stuck all day along with a ferocious headache out of no where. I still don't know how we got here. Me and R keep looking at each other and going "twins...huh" We spent the afternoon making calls and telling our friends and family.  We are so blessed and are scared and excited all at the same time.  

In other news they found a dermoid cyst on my right ovary measuring around 6cm...yikes. The doc said no worries and it can be removed at a later time if it doesn't resolve on its own.  Still a little scary considering it was not there on the anatomy scan when we started this whole thing. So we will have to wait and see what the OB says. Our next appointment is May 23- the first with our OB who is already my gyn and I already love her. We can't wait to see those little seahorses again! Well, that's about all I can say right now. So glad to see my friends doing well in blogland and hope to keep hearing your good news.

Happy Birthday To Me!

We had our second beta on yesterday and it was 475! Woo hoo! I worked myself into a tizzy waiting on the results and felt a huge relief when they called. It just seems like the worrying will never end. Now we worry til the first ultrasound... then the heartbeat...then the..

I just don't feel prego. I only have some mild cramps and just keep taking tests to prove to myself that there's something in there. I know I am preachin to the choir as I have yet to read a post where someone was like " I am pregnant and I believe it". I just am in shock still I think. We couldn't help but share our joy with our closest friends and we decided to tell my parents since they were coming for my birthday. I still haven't told my boss but given that my workplace is 98% female, I am sure the news will spread down the grapevine all the way to her office in no time flat.

We suprised my parents with onesies. I think my dad was shocked. Mainly because he said "I am in shock!" My mom said "oh I guess it took?!' followed by crying. She hugged me with a kung-fu grip only a mother could have. We were so nervous and knew it could go either way. We couldn't have asked for a better response. We went to the zoo for my bday and my mom wanted to go to the gift shop. She came out with two bags of stuffed animals! It was so cute. She said she wanted the baby to have something to remember this day.

I never in a million years thought I would be so happy to spend my 32nd birthday on the couch in my pj's but that's exactly what I am doing. And I couldn't be happier. I feel really blessed.

Our ultrasound is May 9th. That seems like a lifetime away! I prob will take a test everyday til then. Judge me if you must. Also my estrogen level came back at 664. My progesterone level came back at over 40! They said to keep using the patches, shots and vag torpedoes (yay). Does anyone think that the progesterone is high? I almost skipped the shot today. I have itchy welts the size of ping pong balls and am running out of trunk space. I cried yesterday because the shot hurt so bad. I don't want to mess anything up but I just don't know if I can do it for 3-5 more weeks! Everything I read said progesterone in the first trimester is at most in the 20's? Can your progesterone be too high??

Well, that's all for now bloglandians! I hope the good news just keeps on coming for all of us and those of you still waiting, please try to hang in there and stay positive. (easier said than done I know!) I wish everyone some peace, love, and baby dust!

The Incredible Hulk

Our beta was today! Drum roll please...232! I'm not entirely sure what to think...it could be twins but I'm leaning towards the Incredible Hulk. Either way we are in shock. Next beta is Friday am!

All Willy-Nilly

Warning: Random thought post in progress!  My wife's cousin is Buddhist (the only one in her giant family of Southern Baptists) and invited us to a class yesterday. I must say that I really liked it. It was open to the public in  our museum of art. Afterwards, we saw a Monet impressionist exhibit there. Something about being surrounded by beautiful things makes you feel so calm and peaceful. I love art and the feelings it can evoke from you. It was a really good distraction day. I left feeling great and a lot more enlightened.  I have been meditating daily already to calm my nerves and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY.  (I use this FREE app on my phone and I love it!) We bought a book and a meditation cd and I think we may be going back for a few more lessons.

Buddhist fertility statue

So I peed on more tests than I care to admit! I have done some research on the particular tests that I took and just how sensitive they are. I found two decent websites here and here  that compare Hpts. Also, I think one of my fellow bloggers may have posted about this a while ago but I think this page is fascinating.

Here's some of my  own new bathroom art:

Sorry for the scribble on top!
 I got a faint + on day 6 (1st on the left)
 a strong + on day 7 of this 88 cent test!

The line didn't get too much darker but you def don't have to squint as hard :)

No special decoding skills  necessary

So that's it folks! Sorry it was such a willy-nilly post, but such is my life lately. Feeling very guarded but incredibly thankful! And even though I was  feeling crazy about praying and not feeling secure in my faith, someone somewhere heard my prayers and I cannot deny that. I won't take one second of this amazing blessing for granted.  Again, thanks so much for your kind words and hopeful wishes, it means A LOT. I hope that all of my blog friends are hearing good news soon too!

6dp3dt

Well, if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I am not patient. I hate waiting in line, in traffic, for food, literally hate it. So these few days have made me feel like a lunatic. I am not ashamed to say that I tested 2dp3dt because I was just being crazy curious. Stop it! I can hear your heads shaking from here.  I hadn't felt any symptoms and just needed to do something to let out some of the pressure. My progesterone was low so they started me on endometrin vaginal torpedos suppositories.

I am also still on PIO and I am super sore in my hips and starting to itch and have lots of red welts. The extra surge in hormones finally pushed me over the edge on Tuesday and I lost my sh!t. I was sobbing uncontrollably because I felt so bad about praying and asking for a baby when I don't know who exactly I was praying to. ( I am pretty lost spiritually) My wife found me in the shower in full on Lucille Ball style-ugly-faced-snot-nosed-cry.  "I just want to be pregnant soooo baaaaaaadddd and I need to go to chuurrrrrchhhh." I said between sobs. She was pretty caught off guard, but managed to stifle her giggles and comfort me . After that I felt so much better. And I realized that I missed praying, and I have become a little cynical when it comes to organized religion and need to find some faith-literally.  I'll revisit that later.  I did test again on 5dp3dt and it was negative. I was not sad though-I think I'm just trying to prepare myself for the worst. I was so torn about being superstitious and extra guarded or just having faith and thinking positive. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't my friends.

Get in ma bellllyyyy!!!

I  think I have been feeling cramps from the progesterone, implantation, impending AF gas. It's been mainly on my left side. I have had a few fat bastard moments with an insatiable appetite for anything sweet. (talking a tub-o-sea salt brownies in one sitting ya'll) I've been waking up with horrible night sweats and a pounding pulse. I can literally hear my heart beating in my head. I have been having the most vivid weird dreams. I just think it's from the pregnancy progesterone. I got a light duty note for work and couldn't muster up the courage to give it to my manager. I don't now why- I just feel nervous about saying " I can't work too hard beacause I might be prego" and then if they ask how far along I am and I say 9 days-I just can't do it yet. I'm off for the next few days and if I test positive I will give them a heads up. My wife said I have to. Beta is the 24th.

I got home from work this morning and took another test. My wife busted in-she has a sixth sense when I am being bad. I swear I saw something! She said no way and I was being crazy. I went to sleep and took another one this afternoon.  Get your magnifying glass out, this is what we got:

pic doesn't do it justice-but it's there! I swear ;)

So as you can see, things couldn't be crazier better. Keep praying, crossing fingers,  avoiding black cats, or whatever it is you do to keep the optimism alive. We appreciate everyone rooting for us. <3