Saturday, August 3, 2013

2 Tears in a Bucket...

Soooo remember in a previous post me and the wife were denied our name change request? Well we went to court and guess what? We won! The previous judge just wrote on a sticky note (that's right-we here in SC spare no expense) "same sex marriage?".  The judge thought that by us having the same name we would try to dupe the system in some way and get benefits.  Our lawyer told us not to worry, R met all the statutory requirements  and if they didn't approve it this time they would have to provide a court order stating why and no judge in their right mind could use same sex marriage as their reason. We got a new judge and she took five minutes to ask R some questions and approved the name change. We were elated! Me, my wife, and our children will have the same last name and we couldn't be happier.

My wife posted on FB about how excited she was and thanked our supporters who had been rallying behind us over the past few weeks leading up to our court date. Well, her aunt decided to write a negative comment  and state that she was "disappointed " and one of our friends chimed in saying "don't let haters rain on your parade" to which R's mother chimed in and told our friends to "shut the hell up" and "the only reason people like this is because it's cool and trendy". Ummmmm WHAT????? I must have missed that edition of Cosmo highlighting cool and trendy lezzies struggling to make families with no rights and benefits. She also wrote a bunch of other shit that I can't even get into right now because even after a week I am still stewing. R just saw her family the week before and no one said a word to her about the name change and in fact said they were excited about the babies. When R tried to contact her aunt she refused to talk on the phone and instead texted her. She said that the babies are not mine and should have R's last name. We are not married in this state and she is still a Miss not a Mrs. We are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and last but not least, that when you go against the wind you should expect some blowback and R was being prejudiced against heterosexual views.  I was devastated.....R was devastated. Her mom was not any better, she said she was just concerned about R and is so afraid of getting hurt but couldn't say who she thought was going to hurt her( although I still think she's implying me). She also said she's worried about the second parent adoption, umm like we aren't???  I have many problems with this mainly because  if I was a man, none of this would have even been an issue. R's mom has never publicly supported us and not until everyone changed their pics to equality signs on FB did she ever even mention her own daughter-when it was "cool and trendy" . She also has never gone to a rally or wrote her local congressman (to whom they are directly RELATED) expressing her concerns for her daughter's rights. She justified what her sister said to R and herein lies the biggest problem. R does not cry often, she doesn't get worked up but this pushed her over the edge. The babies aren't even here yet and if anyone were to try and hurt them I would claw their eyes out ya'll! For R's mother to hear and see how hurt her daughter was at the hands of her own family and not feel the least bit of sympathy is unfathomable to me. She couldn't even apologize and said she was just stressed out but when R said that was not a good enough excuse, she hung up on R not once, not twice but three times.

We have actually had a similar situation with her mom before. I actually blocked her from my FB but R made  me unblock her so she could see posts about the babies. I didn't want to because she writes inappropriate stuff on there all time (jerry springer style). She is embarrassing and R is constantly going behind her cleaning up her social messes. A little background: R's mom has had depression since she was a teenager and may have some mania sprinkled in there as well. She is heavily medicated and when she acts poorly, she blames it on not taking her meds or being depressed. Her family cottles her because they think she is so fragile and just let her run amuck. She is never held accountable and it's getting old. I don't understand why they felt the need to use our own personal post as their political platforms. They all hid behind their computer screens and refused to answer their phones and we have not spoken to them since. She also texted R the next day and said she wanted to come up and get a pedicure like nothing ever happened!!!  And then her aunt texted R a few days later saying she didn't want to talk her because it was "too emotional for her"  and that R needed to call her mother and "make her feel better"! SAY WHAT????? I cannot make this ish up. R has just chosen to ignore them right now.

I hurt for R. She is so sad. I thought these babies would bring our families together. I never in a million years thought it would go in this direction. We took my name and planned on using R's maiden name as one of the boy's first names as well as incorporating my own dad's name. (It was going to be a surprise) We gave a lot of thought to this with consideration for both of our families. They have sucked the joy out of it for me. After going through this with my own brother, it is easy for me to say cut them out. I was really sad but now I am thankful that my brother removed himself instead of subjecting me and my family to his hateful comments.  And I recently had a come-to Jesus meeting with my parents as well letting them know that being "tolerated" not accepted will not be good enough for our children and they have chosen to get on board. I realize this is R's mom but I just won't tolerate anyone treating our family less than and expecting us to just take it.   I am so tired of having to think of everyone else before we do anything-it's time to put our family first.  I don't know what we'll do about R's mom but as far her aunt goes, I am done. Ever hear the saying "two tears in bucket..." (I'll let you google the rest)

So what do you think? I realize there are always two sides but R is torn. I can't be around this stress and all I wanna do is enjoy this pregnancy without me and R being lashed out at. Would you cut your own mother out? I'm afraid that an apology this time might not be enough.


  1. Oh man, I was so pissed reading this post so I can only imagine how upsetting it's been for you and R! If it were me, an aunt and anyone else who thinks it's appropriate to write negative things about me and my family would get dropped, I wouldn't even bother blocking. There is nothing worse than having one of those "FB friends" who has no filter and brings nothing but negativity to your joyous moments. At the end of the day, you can't necessarily cut these people out of your lives completely because if nothing else you will likely see them at Christmas... but you can certainly cut them out of other areas of your life.

    What people like this don't understand is that while they've made their opinion known and then moved on with their lives unphased, they leave the other person (in this case you and R) devastated and so very hurt and embarrassed! If you can't tell, my wife and I went through the same exact FB situation a few years ago. We cleaned up our friends list and were so happy we did. There is no room for that kind of stuff especially during a time that should be stress-free and happy!

    Hang in there ladies. :)

  2. My mother-in-law was 'concerned' about my leaving K at some point and Punky not being blood. She was disappointed that K was not carrying and it wouldn't be considered her 'real' grandkid. In the end, K told her mother that she can be supportive or not be in the baby's life at all. Quickly, K's mom turned around. My mom has been disappointed on occassion that she wasn't in the room when I delivered (K's sister was because I couldn't have both moms in there) and that we live closer to K's family than mine. Family is funny isn't it. In the end, both our moms are supportive and love Punky with all their hearts. Perhaps when the boys get here, things will change for you! So sorry you are going through this :( Give R a great big hug from me!

  3. WOW! This made me furious. I am so sorry you even had to go through this. I agree there is just no time for negative people like that. Hugs and thinking about you.

  4. This made me so angry - both for you and for me because it reminded me of my family in a way. We've had to remove my sister, and threatened to with my mom, though she is slowly coming around. I dont think you are overreacting. There is no time for such negativity in your life, live life happy.

  5. i never read this post before...i know it's late, but i have an opinion about this...I have no need/time/patience for that type of negativity in my life. Negative breeds negative, so why would i even allow? It's hard enough to deal with society giving us so much crap, then i have to endure it from my family?!? Absolutely freaking not! I know that you can't choose your family, but you can choose who you allow to stay in your life. I have cut off a shitload of people for this, i don't care who they are! If my grandfather gets it and hes damn near 80, Latino, chauvinistic, ex-military man, ANYONE can get it! So peace those people right out of your life...parent or not! They don't live my life, they don't go through what we go through, they don't pay my bills, they don't do shit for me besides make me miserable...they can get cut! Hopefully, over time, and with the arrival of the boys, everything has smoothed out, but if it hasn't, I hope you and R were at least able to express that their behavior/word/action are innapropraite and hurtful, and that "if you dont have anything nice to say..." Also, find me on FB - Zee Mendez-Pelaez, i'd love to get to know you guys on a little more personal level, if that's ok

  6. There have been many changes since this occured and I will update on this situation when I can!