On call

It is 4 am...I can't sleep. I was supposed to work tonight and got put on call. I hate being on call. You're basically on pins and needles til 5 am waiting for the phone to ring. And lately, that's what my whole life feels like. My life is on call and I am just waiting, for the phone to ring, for an email, for a text from a friend, for someone else's BFP, something, anything. I am here on the TTC sidelines, and while I always wanted to be a cheerleader in high school, I am ready to be on the playing field. When we first started this process, I thought  it would fly by, but here we are still almost 2 months away and I am dying.here.folks.

I just want to be there already! I've been on BCP for weeks, going until March 23 with just the active pills then hopefully R will be ready for retrieval April 10th and transfer to me on April 13th.  The BC is wreaking havoc on poor R. She has been nauseous and having palpitations and dizziness. I'm getting kinda worried since the brand of BC already has a bad rap. If it doesn't get better, she's gonna have to see the doc.  I go  for my HSG on Weds and I am finally done with the ever-long pre-screening! Fingers crossed that there is nothing wrong with my lady-bits for my head might surely explode!

We did have a lovely time on our V-day vacay. It was nice to focus on something else. Unfortunately, we can't take one every week. I went to my 3rd baby shower and found myself in the baby section of Target for the umpteenth time this month. I don't want to be that jealous girl and secretly hate that everyone is preggars except me, but shit...I am really tired of buying cutesie animal covered onesies for other people's tots. I've tried to maintain a good attitude, but I might be featured on an episode of "Snapped" if I get one more invitation in the mail.  I tried to re-focus by immersing myself in the "Walking Dead" and watched all three seasons in a few days. That's dedication! But even the main character in a post-apocalyptic-zombie-filled world is having a baby....WTF?

 I also spent some time with my parents who just had birthdays. And while I was happy to celebrate, it was another reminder that the clock is ticking and I desperately want my babies to know and grow with them while there is time. I think because my own birthday is approaching I am feeling the pressure too. I am going to have both feet firmly planted in the thirty-somethings and I am not pleased at all. I just thought I would be further along in life ya know? I know that my life is what it is, but my heart literally aches for a baby sometimes and my head tells me in due time it will come.  And I hate feeling this way, because when it does finally happen for us, I want people to feel genuine happiness for us too, not jealousy. And I want the cutesie animal covered onesies to be given out of love without the bitterness on the side. This might sound really shitty to most of you, but everyone's allowed at least one pity party right?  Please forgive me, I have been reading lots of  blogs as of late and am genuinely excited when I see your BFPs.  I know we are so close now and I have nothing to even rant about really. I just want to be there with you gals and not get left behind in the baby dust...clutching the phone...and another invitation.