On call

It is 4 am...I can't sleep. I was supposed to work tonight and got put on call. I hate being on call. You're basically on pins and needles til 5 am waiting for the phone to ring. And lately, that's what my whole life feels like. My life is on call and I am just waiting, for the phone to ring, for an email, for a text from a friend, for someone else's BFP, something, anything. I am here on the TTC sidelines, and while I always wanted to be a cheerleader in high school, I am ready to be on the playing field. When we first started this process, I thought  it would fly by, but here we are still almost 2 months away and I am dying.here.folks.

I just want to be there already! I've been on BCP for weeks, going until March 23 with just the active pills then hopefully R will be ready for retrieval April 10th and transfer to me on April 13th.  The BC is wreaking havoc on poor R. She has been nauseous and having palpitations and dizziness. I'm getting kinda worried since the brand of BC already has a bad rap. If it doesn't get better, she's gonna have to see the doc.  I go  for my HSG on Weds and I am finally done with the ever-long pre-screening! Fingers crossed that there is nothing wrong with my lady-bits for my head might surely explode!

We did have a lovely time on our V-day vacay. It was nice to focus on something else. Unfortunately, we can't take one every week. I went to my 3rd baby shower and found myself in the baby section of Target for the umpteenth time this month. I don't want to be that jealous girl and secretly hate that everyone is preggars except me, but shit...I am really tired of buying cutesie animal covered onesies for other people's tots. I've tried to maintain a good attitude, but I might be featured on an episode of "Snapped" if I get one more invitation in the mail.  I tried to re-focus by immersing myself in the "Walking Dead" and watched all three seasons in a few days. That's dedication! But even the main character in a post-apocalyptic-zombie-filled world is having a baby....WTF?

 I also spent some time with my parents who just had birthdays. And while I was happy to celebrate, it was another reminder that the clock is ticking and I desperately want my babies to know and grow with them while there is time. I think because my own birthday is approaching I am feeling the pressure too. I am going to have both feet firmly planted in the thirty-somethings and I am not pleased at all. I just thought I would be further along in life ya know? I know that my life is what it is, but my heart literally aches for a baby sometimes and my head tells me in due time it will come.  And I hate feeling this way, because when it does finally happen for us, I want people to feel genuine happiness for us too, not jealousy. And I want the cutesie animal covered onesies to be given out of love without the bitterness on the side. This might sound really shitty to most of you, but everyone's allowed at least one pity party right?  Please forgive me, I have been reading lots of  blogs as of late and am genuinely excited when I see your BFPs.  I know we are so close now and I have nothing to even rant about really. I just want to be there with you gals and not get left behind in the baby dust...clutching the phone...and another invitation.

She

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope this day is filled with lots of love for or from someone that makes your heart skip a beat! More importantly, I hope it is filled with delish chocolate! Me and the wifey are headed out of town for a couple of days to enjoy each other and take a break from the madness.
Valentine's Day is the first time I told her I loved her. We had only been together a couple of months and officially calling each other girlfriends for a month. (what does a lesbian bring on the second date? a u-haul! ba-dum-bum!) So when I told her I was in love with her, it may really have been infatuation...eek! She looked at me with huge eyes after I said it and just smiled that "omg, I've got a psycho on my hands" kinda smile. Soooo awkward. A few days later we laughed about it and didn't say it again for a long while.

Well it turns out that I truly did and still do love her. I love her with all my heart. She is the reason I am where I am today. She pushes me to be the best I can be and without her love and encouragement I don't think I would be a nurse or the person I have become. She is truly the most genuine person I know with the brightest smile in the room. She has this light, an aura about her that makes you want to talk to her. Karma is truly her bestie because good things happen to her all the time. (She should play the lotto!) I really believe it's because she is sincerely a good person and what goes around certainly comes around. She finds the best in people and brings it out.

 Her eyes are my favorite. They change all the time but are the bluest blue, almost purple at times. The first thing I ever said to her was that she had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen. (and then we didn't speak for another year!) I knew the first time we kissed that I was in big trouble. She can evoke the most amazing feelings out me that I never knew I was capable of having. I am me in the rawest of forms around her and she loves that and because of her, I now love that too. We have been through so much over the years and she has been there for every tear shed and kissed them all dry. She is the cray-cray whisperer. She is my rock.  She keeps me from going over the edge most days and is usually at the bottom to catch me when I actually do. This journey to make a baby has made me realize what a lucky girl I am to have her by my side. I can't wait to carry her baby and I can't wait to tell our children someday what an amazing mommie they have.

One of our favorite wedding pics <3

And Tango Makes Three

Not much to report on the baby making front. Had my annual physical with my regular gyn, had my endometrial biopsy (OUCH) and stopped all meds for now. We are just laying low until March. In the meantime, my wife and I are just enjoying each other and taking it easy. We have two more baby showers for friends this week and have been to Target and  babiesRus like 3 times this month. I lose my mind in there every time.  I want to devour every little baby I see (in a sweet way-not creepy way) and snort all the baby lotion I can get my hands on. Is that weird????  Ehh whatevs...

We decided that for our lesbian friends we'd get them a book called And Tango Makes Three . It's a true story about gay penguin dads at the Central Park Zoo. I found it in the "growing up" section at Barnes&Noble right next to What's Happening to Grandpa? and Where'd the poop go? A very enlightening selection indeed.  And then it happened...I got teary eyed in the damn store reading this book. It wasn't because I love penguins or because it's a true story. I think it's because the thought of having to explain to our future babies that our family is ok no matter what others say, is a very real conversation we will have to have someday. It makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. But I know that it will be the most important conversation we have with them. Luckily, there are books like these to help with these not-so-easy conversations.

We decided to branch out of little box and go to a LGBT movie night at a Unitarian church. I will be the first to admit that I was scared mainly because I did not know anything about this type of church. I haven't been to church in a looooooooong time and am in a constant struggle with my spirituality. My mother is Catholic and my father is non-denominational but fairly conservative when it comes to Christianity in general. It is something I wrestle with daily. I want my wife and I (and hopefully our kids) to grow up spiritually together but can't seem to find where we fit in. Well, long story short, we watched two awesome movies on gay marriage, listened quietly as the congregation made up of mainly senior citizens had a discussion about them. After it was over, we tried to slip out unnoticed, when this little lady with the strongest New York accent I've eva heard started talking to us. We eventually told her we were newly married and she shouted "mazel tov!" and announced it to everyone. They all cheered and I was so touched I cried. Total strangers were cheering for us and for once, I was comfortable in my own skin-in a church.  Don't sign me up for the drum circle just yet,  but it was definitely an eye opener and a big milestone. After the melt down in Barnes& Noble earlier, this was a much needed sign that the world is indeed changing and our family will have a fighting chance at acceptance and we might just fit in somewhere after all.

So what about you guys? Any advice on how to talk to our future children about their origins and family?

The Last time I was this excited about shots, I was 21.

WE STARTED SHOTS TODAY! And they SUCKED! Why am I SHOUTING???!!! We went back and forth as to who was going to actually do the stabbing, and finally settled on R doing them. I give them for a living so I didn't really care (or so I thought). So we watched videos on giving thigh shots and I gave her step by step instructions. So when it came time to pull the trigger, she couldn't do it!
 R:"ok ready?"
 me: "yep" (eyes closed)
 R: " ok 1..2...eeeee....no no I cant!" This happened 3 times before I finally decided I was going to do it myself. Then I freaked out! I have no clue why!!!! I do this everyday to other people- I suck. So then she said she wanted to try again and I suggested we put on some tunes. She chose some rage song by System of a Down and I burst into laughter. Side note: we were dressed in gym clothes because we were about to go for a jog. So here we are shooting up in workout clothes to rage music like a bunch of meat heads! HA! We finally got through it! She did it and it hurt like hell. I was not expecting that. I was so proud of her and we felt a little closer :) (but man, I can't wait for her turn!)

say hello to my little friend!

The only other thing is that my RE put me on Synthroid today. My TSH levels were normal 3.31, but she wants them to be closer to 2.5. I don't know how I feel about this.  I did a lot of reading and I don't have hypothyroidism but I just worry about medicating something that isn't broke. I know she's the expert but I just hate taking meds. period. How about ya'll? Anyone had to take Synthroid?