Scared

Many of you may not know much about me besides I am a mom of twins and have a wife. But one quick peek at my profile and you'll see that I am a South Carolinian. Yes...the state where sweet tea originated, "bless your heart" is our version of cussing you out, and you can wear a sweatshirt, shorts, and flip flops all at the same time. But when I say South Carolina today, the things that come to mind are probably the mass shooting at a church, the two black men recently gunned down by police, the manhunt for a man who duct taped a pitbull's mouth shut or the confederate flag. So many feels right now. I can't even begin to express the sadness I feel for our state.

I live in the capital city. I live probably about 20 min away from the shooter. I take my children to the mall where he was arrested not once, but twice for trespassing and asking "suspicious questions". The second time he was found on the roof of the mall. The hospital I work in was on lockdown during the manhunt for him. My family as well as my wife's family live in Charleston. We go there a couple of times a month, sometimes more to visit. We've gone past that beautiful church hundreds of times. I have already encountered people who knew someone that died in this shooting and it is heartbreaking to hear their stories. You see these stories on the news and you just never think that this will be your home they are talking about. The only emotion I am certain of right now is fear. I am scared for my children to grow up in a world like this. 

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that in 2015 the news would consist of legalizing gay marriage one week and a racially motivated mass murder the next.  I moved here with my biracial parents in the late 80's and it was an eye opener then that racism was still rampant.  School field trips consisted of old cotton gin museums and slave markets.  Color was always an issue growing up. The schools I went to were not blended very well and I remember being one of 4 biracial children in my middle school. My mom was in the paper because she got the option "other" added to the school  census.  I was teased for my hair, constantly asked "what are you" and often forced to pick groups of friends in black or white. This went on until high school. I thought that what I had experienced was typical coming of age angst but I see now that it was not. However, I felt like the older I got, the less of an issue it was.  I was able to embrace both sides and be appreciated by others for my differences.

 I felt safe. Looking back now though, I think that I had become deadened to the racial things I heard and the way I was treated. I had foolishly taken racism off the list of things to worry about for my family. I figured having two moms would be on top. This past week has stirred up so much emotion about racial identity for me. ( Don't even get me started on Racheal whats-her face).
Seeing the interviews of the shooter's "friends" reminded me that there are indeed still an immeasurable amount of people that truly value people less based on the color of their skin. These are not characters in an old stereotypical movie about the south. These are people that live and breathe less than a 20 minute drive from where we lay our heads down at night.  Even just getting on FB has caused me to see people I would've considered friends in a different light.  Just so much ignorance. How do I protect my boys from shit like this?! How do I tell them that there are still people that hate people for no good reason other than the color of their skin? And how do I keep them from ever having to deal with them? I don't want my children to become desensitized like me and accept when people ask " what are you?".  I see now why people have a hard time letting their children go out into the world. The world that we as parents should have made better for children, but instead have made worse.

All I know is that I can start by saying what my parents did. We will tell them that they are important and that no one has the right to tell them they are less than. That despite what others may say or think, their differences make this world an amazing place.  I will encourage them to embrace people that are different from them and learn from them. We will walk by that church again and tell them about the nine beautiful people that welcomed in a stranger with kindness despite the fact he wasn't like them. We will tell them the dangers of complacency and to never stop hoping for a better world to live in because we don't ever want their children to grow up in the same one we did.

Fail

So apparently I'm not the blogging bad ass I thought I was. I can't tell you how many times I tried to pull myself to the computer and blurt out some of the crazy shit swirling in my head. I have so many updates and want to tell you my hopes and dreams, but that nap tho...

So let's try again. I am strugglin ya'll. I am, we are in over our heads in babies and work, and yes more school. R has decided that she wants to become a physician's assistant and well, that's a hell of a lot more school. I was on board at first because we thought she was going to get in pretty quickly because well, she's indeed bad ass. However, 5 years ago, we did not take into account how skipping class to have futon sex would effect her gpa later on since she never thought she was going back. She was super supportive of me going back to get my BSN, it only seemed fair that I do the same. But now with two kiddos that require a lot more attention, it has become a thorn in my side. I'm trying not to resent her for it and want to be her cheerleader, but it is too much to handle at times. The boys are wide open and I need help often. It's hard on her too, she is working really hard to get her gpa up and so far is making all A's.  We work opposite shifts to keep babysitting costs down so we are literally two ships passing in the night. We already have a lacking love life and this is not helping. I have also picked up a second job because I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone (so dumb) and she will soon start teaching at a local college over the summer to fluff up her application. Yes I know, we have bitten off more than we can chew, and I feel like I have written that here more than a few times. I just want the world for my boys and in case you haven't noticed, the world is getting more expensive. I keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end but am not quite convinced.

The boys are growing so damn fast. I work three days in a row and don't see them the whole time because they are sleeping when I get home and sleeping when I leave. When that third day comes, I feel like I have missed so much and I swear they've grown 10 feet. P has lost his sweet baby face and really looks like a big boy. It's weird. and sad. O is still so small. He's not even on the growth charts. The pediatrician swears he's fine. I don't think anything serious is wrong, it's just odd that he is so small, considering the amount he eats!

Big Boy P!

They are not speaking and we were worried about a speech delay. They say "here", "duck" and "dada" (oh the irony).  We work with them every day on talking, reading books, pointing etc. They do follow simple commands and can identify objects. But I feel like a failure because I don't think I give them as much time as they need. It's hard to divide attention between the two and one almost always seem to get more attention than the other. The pediatrician assured us this is normal but we insisted on seeing an audiologist. Well, they failed four hearing tests in two weeks! The doc said it could be a number of things including the fact that they always have ear infections and fluid all the time. So we opted for ear tubes and will go back for hearing test in two weeks. If they fail again then we move on to other things like speech therapy and possibly hearing aids, but I can tell a difference already! They are babbling a thousand times more. They call each other dada but don't call me or R momma. It's a little disheartening. I'm hoping it's coming soon. It's so hard not to compare them to each other and other babies too. Our friend has a 15 month old and he says like 15 words. It's really hard to not get jealous when we have playdates with him and he is talking.  I've been trying to teach them some sign language but that has gone over like a lead balloon so far. They will sign "all done" and "more" though so that's a start.

And in other news...I have no friends. Seriously. I used to. Then I got old, and married a woman and had kids and the group of people that we had things in common with got smaller and smaller. I do have a dear friend but we see less and less of each other.  A lot more of my old acquaintances are having babies now and I wonder if we will be brought back together because of that? You probably wouldn't think it if you met me, but I am shy. And I hate new things, oh and surprises. So basically I am grumpy cat in human form. I have joined facebook groups, twins clubs, babywearing clubs, gay parenting clubs, all in hopes of finding friends. I want to have more mom friends but I literally don't know how to make them. I feel like such a dork for even saying that! I may have 200 likes on a post and talk to 3 of those people in person. That's sad and I feel like I am failing. How can I be a good role model for my kids when I can't even make my own friends?  The few interactions I have had with other moms usually start out fine and end with them leaving quickly to "run an errand they forgot about" when the find out I have a wife. Maybe I am being paranoid. I would love more queer parent friends but there aren't that many around here. The struggle is real.  I often turn to these blogs because I feel so isolated in real life that it's nice to see families like ours really do exist. So I will continue to stalk my cyber friends here in the blogosphere until real people appear...that's not weird is it? I know everyone is different but do ya'll have trouble with this?

Staycation

Me and the wife need some time alone.  R has started school again in hopes of applying for a P.A. program next year and I got a second job. We are two ships passing in the night again and we need some "us" time. Desperately! I switched my schedule around thinking my parents would take the boys because they have offered so many times and the last time we went down, they bought their own car seats. Well, when I asked them they surprisingly had plans but offered to come watch them here for a couple of days. While I don't want to sound ungrateful, I wanted to have less people in my house, not more. So my mom came up for one day while I worked and then we changed our plans from snowboarding in the mountains to a toddler friendly trip to Atlanta. Initially I was sad and mad because I really wanted some time with  just R. But...we had the best time ever!!! We took the boys to the aquarium ( me and the wife's favorite spot) and made some awesome memories.   We had so much fun sharing this time with them. I didn't think they would appreciate the vastness of the place and the animals but they did!  I can't wait to take them back.  If you have never been-Go! GO NOW!



MAMA R



SO BIG YET STILL SO SMALL!

We also found some Walking Dead filming spots cause we're super nerds like that.

 

"THOSE WHO ARRIVE SURVIVE!"

We stayed with our close friends who went through their first IUI while we were there! (Yeah we're close like that)  So we lived vicariously through them and reminisced about our baby making experiences and that stressful TWW. We could not be more excited for them. They are doing a non medicated cycle first. I can't help but feel that we have had some influence on them in the past couple of years.   We took them to their first pride festival and equality march. They went with me to buy my wife's ring and I went with them to browse for theirs. We missed their wedding due the arrival of the boys but we see them often and it's like they never left.  They are truly good friends and will make amazing moms! Fingers crossed that they have some sticky luck and good news soon! So overall our family staycation wasn't bad after all, but I am still hoping for some alone time with my wife soon.  I am so excited for so many BFP's and am looking forward to some gender reveals soon!!!!

Feeling like an a-hole: Thicker than water part II

I wrote about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my brother in a previous post. Last year I may or may not have mentioned that he came down to visit my  parents while I was pregnant. He lives pretty far away and hasn't been home in a couple of years. I live two hours from them and we see each other often. He had some life altering changes and was having some medical issues so he decided to come down and see my parents before he was having some surgery. I guess he needed to clear his conscience.  My parents told me that he was leaving in a week so we planned a visit the following weekend to make sure he was long gone. When we pulled into the driveway I didn't think anything of it when my mom was waiting at the door. I walked into the living room and was met by my brother and his youngest child (whom I had not met since he stopped talking to me shortly after he was born). Now my go to emotion is crying. If I'm mad, I cry, sad? cry, happy? cry, reeling with fury? you guessed it, I cry. So you can guess what I did as a pregnant person. You know the saying "cooler than a polar bear's toenails"? Well I'm pretty sure they were referring to my wife R when they wrote it. She takes everything with a grain of salt.  However, in this moment, this was the first time I could really see anger in her face. She was pissed as was I.  He hugged me and said "I love you" and hugged R and introduced her as "aunt R" to his son.
  We didn't talk about what had happened or what he said. I figured we would eventually talk about it so I didn't push. It was an awkward visit to say the least and I was pretty pissed at my parents and felt sabotaged. My mom said she was sorry but that he wanted to see me and stayed and extra four days to make sure he would be there when I came. I pointed out that it's pretty hard to leave a party you didn't know you were coming to. My mom was just so happy to see us talking and cried pretty much the entire visit.  Even though I was mad, I felt hopeful that we were on the road to recovery. Well, a few weeks passed and he finally called me. I thought this would be THE phone call. Ya know, the one where he's like "I'm sorry I called you a low life and compared you to murderers and thieves because you're gay". Well I was wrong. He had called to tell me that him and his wife were being "blessed with another child". OMFG! This will be #7 for them. I just bit my tongue and congratulated them through clenched teeth. Never mind the fact that he has just lost his military job of 15 years and has no income at the moment. Never mind that he has another child across the country that he can't afford to fly out to see but once a year. His wife has never had a job and they agreed that when the youngest started school she would go to work. Well, that's not going to happen now. Now they are both unemployed.  I honestly felt that his wife got pregnant on purpose because they found out I was having children. I know it sounds crazy, but it was the one thing that they could always bait my parents with. My parents love their grandchildren and they visit my brother often because of the kids. Well this past year my parents only visited one time for graduation and planned to spend the holidays with us since they didn't know when the boys were coming. They were sore about it.  So needless to say, the conversation did not go as planned and I never brought it up. I sent them baby presents and we texted twice.  I sent them a birth announcement and he texted but never called to say congratulations or sent the boys anything and that made me even more mad. I'm mad that he spoke to me only because he thought he might die and didn't want that on his conscience. Then all communication stopped again. I found out from my parents that he was struggling with severe PTSD and ended up being hospitalized in a psych facility. He texted me a picture of the baby when it was born, but we have not spoken in about 9 months. I finally let my mom have it because he had painted a picture that we were fine and that we were talking again. She kept bringing him up and talking about us like we were fine.  I told her that we had only spoken via text twice and that I was not going to contact him as I was waiting on clarification as to where we stood. I understand that he has had a very hard year, but he needs to know that it's not ok to speak to me the way he did nor treat my children differently. And he doesn't get to come in and out when he feels like it. I feel terrible that he is going through such a hard time in his life and I honestly am at a loss for words. I don't know anything about PTSD and what he is going through. One major shortcoming of mine is that I have to dig deep for empathy at times (pretty ironic since I am a nurse). I find it hard to accept peoples' behavior based on their past experiences and find myself constantly saying "well lots of people have been through that and don't act like this.." I know- I feel like an a-hole. I know that not everyone has the same coping mechanisms and we deal with trauma/tragedy differently. I just cannot seem to feel bad for my brother. Yes, it is terrible that he has suffered mental  and physical distress due to his job but he is not helping himself. My parents and I both have offered to help him, monetarily, emotionally, whatever he needed. He has refused everything. We have endured a lot as a family and to see him falling apart like this is sad and frustrating for all of us. It could be pride, but he has small mouths to feed and think about. He refuses to move closer and he and his wife have no friends and live secluded in the woods. Sounds like the perfect setting for a Lifetime movie if you ask me. I worry about him, but my anger stops me from getting involved anymore.  I feel like he is no longer the person I grew up with and I have lost him and the potential to get past everything gets smaller as each day passes. I know I am not the only one here with family dynamics. What should I do? Do I just let it go? Do I try to contact him again? I miss my brother but don't want to stir things up for either one of us.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

In the same post I also wrote about seeing my grandma for what I thought would be the last time. This saddened me greatly because she is the only grandma I have ever known. I fondly call her Detroit granny because she is tough as nails. She wears bright red Avon lipstick and can put it on without a mirror. We once took her out to dinner and she got ribs. When she bit into them, she left red kiss marks all over them lol! Oh, I love her to pieces.  So to think that I would lose the one grandma that loved me was gut wrenching.  I wanted to tell her so bad that I was pregnant with twins when I saw her (especially when she poked fun at my waistline looking big). I held it in at my dad's request. Well, my dad decided after the boys were born that she did need to know and told her himself. She took the news of her granddaughter being a lesbo married to her "friend" and having babies like a champ! She called me and we had a long discussion about it and she said she would love me no matter what. She had met R before and said she loved her and was glad we had each other.  We talk often on the phone and I am so relieved that I did not lose her.  I felt like an a-hole (again) that we did not give her the benefit of the doubt. I think my dad was surprised too.  She has not met the boys in person, but we send her tons of pics and sent her an album of the past year starting with the ultrasounds through their first birthday for her Christmas present. I hope she will come visit this year so the boys can meet Detroit granny and get covered in red lipstick kisses too!

Bath time

Oh, please excuse the dripping noise. It's just the sound of my heart melting...

LOVE these Ikea kid towel ponchos!

Captain Bubble Beard!

Bringing Sexy Back

 On New Year's Eve, we did our usual routine and put the boys to bed. We drank beers and channel surfed until the clock struck 12. That's right folks, girls gone wild over here! You have to sign a waiver to enter this house....

As the countdown started, we both jumped up and started dancing and counting backwards with the strangers on T.V. and our bff Taylor Swift. I felt a sudden burst of energy and was excited to ring in the new year. Why you ask??? Was it the fact that we have yet another chance to do things right? Nope.  Was it the beer? Nah.  Was it because TayTay is my new girl crush??? Maybe but probably not.  It was because I was about to have sex! That's right, me and my wife did the do!  I'm gonna be brutally honest (probably embarrassingly so for my DW). Sex has fallen to the wayside off a cliff this past year. While I was pregnant, my sex drive never went into "beast mode" like most women brag about. Our sex life slowly dwindled as I got bigger and the mechanics of it all became too much. Then came the 12 week postpartum period in which I felt like a goddess with an amazing bosom and slamming waistline. No kidding, I dropped all my pregnancy weight and then some. I was skinnier than I was in high school. I felt  looked like a million bucks.  Seeing my wife in a new light as a mom made her even sexier. Unfortunately, our inflated sex kitten egos were lost on us due to serious lack of sleep. When we tried, I was super self conscious about my breasts since I was breastfeeding. I didn't want anything weird to happen and the paranoia of my post baby body took over. Then we went on our first date sans boys. We shaved our legs, we wore each other's favorite perfume, put on secret lacy things and sadly fell victim to too much wine. I had a headache (really, I swear did!) and R was drunk. The next few dates went just the same with one or both of us passed out or puking. Hey! Don't judge, it's not our fault. We really rarely go out so when we do, we party like it's 1999 and Y2K is coming.

This time we didn't make plans, we didn't wear frilly things, and it was nice. Afterwards, we joked that we used to have sex more in one day than we did all last year. Yikes. We both laughed, but we both knew it was true. We have become that couple. The couple that gives sex for birthdays and anniversaries. We talked about it and both admitted that neither one of us feels sexy even though we still find each other attractive. It's hard for us to be intimate when we don't view ourselves as desirable anymore. Both of our libidos have taken a nose dive.  We both want more intimacy in our relationship but as crazy as it sounds have not been able to find time for it.  And this is where I think we have failed. We have failed to recognize that intimacy is a vital part of our relationship too.  When we have a moment to spare, we give it to the dirty dishes, laundry, or whatever endless task there is to do instead of to each other.

We haven't fallen out of love with each other, but we may have fallen out of lust. Don't get me wrong, spooning and holding hands is awesome but we cannot survive on bread alone folks. So my new year's resolution is to carve out time for my wife and I. We have also both resolved to join the gym. (uuuuugh!)  My wife is pretty athletic and is really happy when she's working out. ( I think she looks great already!) I think that when I become more confident in my body, I can truly appreciate and accept my wife's affection. Right now I am just not comfortable in my own skin so I don't want anyone else looking at it. I knew post baby body would be an issue, but I didn't think it would last this long.  It's time to engage each other and ourselves again.  I have decided that I need to let go of some things, if the dishes go one more day, or the bathroom is a mess then so.be.it.  Our time is limited and I want to make the most best of it with my wife.  I am glad we acknowledged it and we are working on it together. 

So let's hear it: Have you or a loved one fallen victim to sexual underdrive? What did you do? Thoughts or advice on how to bring the sexy back?

 

 

Happy New Years! I hope that you spent it doing something (or someone) you love! ;)